(no subject)
lamp_light1
Yesterday was, for the most part, a really good day. I didn't have to work or go to my night class because it was a holiday. I got to sleep in for the first time in a looooong time. Of course I could only sleep until 9. Most people don't consider that as sleeping in, but to me it is. I spent most of my day relaxing on my new comfortable bed finishing up A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray. This is probably my 5th time reading the series. I also ordered some feathers for my hair. I kind of hate the fact that every girl I see is starting to get them. But I've been wanting them for a long time now, so I figure, "why not?" I really wanted orange or green but I don't think work would really appreciate that so I just got the natural colors. Maybe later I'll get a crazy color.
When my brother got home from school and announced that I was going to go get my cartalige pierced (I was feeling quite wild, and bored). He decided right then and there that he wanted to get his ear peirced too so we both went. It was a pretty cool thing to do with my little brother (even though he's like 6 foot). I bought his ear peircing for his graduation present. Later on our godbrother finally woke up from his nap and exclaimed that he wanted to get his ears re-pierced. So we went with him to do that.
That's about the time my day started going down hill. My friend and my ex-boyfriend decided to join us, my ex was not in the mood to see me so he was in a bad mood. It's kind of difficult to explain our relationship. He's my best friend, and we've only been broken up for 3 weeks now so it still hurts. He has trouble being around me because he can't cope with pain well. On sunday we actually hung out alone together for the first time since we broke up. It was hard but we eventually got comfortable and had fun. For that one day, everything felt normal again. It prooved that we're eventually going to be able to rebuild our friendship to the strength it used to be. But yesterday he was being the biggest jerk. Every thing I'd say or do he'd make fun of, or put me down. It got worse when my brother and godbrother left me alone with my friend and ex. On top of that my mom text me, both her and my dad were pissed that I was hanging out with my ex. Let's just say they don't like him. It's really stupid actually, they just don't understand him. He's rather...rambunctious/rebellious/different. But that doesn't excuse them putting down my friends. Plus...I'm 21! I can choose my own friends! So the mixture of my ex acting the way he was, especially after the really good day we had the day before, and the way my parents were acting, I had had enough. I had my friend take me home and I went to sleep. What a day right? What a day. On a brighter note, I'm going with a friend to six flags tomorrow, and we're getting in for free! Hopefully I won't get sun burnt.

(no subject)
lamp_light1
I don't know what today will be like. I don't know if I'll spend the day reading and relaxing, slightly dissapointed that nothing interesting is happening, or I will be suprized have lots of fun. I suppose either way I can have a good day... I just wish I knew. I'm afraid that if I sit around all day, I'll have time to think about things and then I'll end up depressed. The truth is, I miss him. And after spending a dangerous day with him yesterday, I'm almost addicted with the thought of seeing him again today. But I need to try and move on and then we can just both work on rebuilding our friendship. It's just so hard when what used to be so natural to me is gone. I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to try and make today a good day.

(no subject)
lamp_light1
Today, my friend asked me to join him and some of his other friends for dinner. I'd never met any of them. They were all really cool...but there was this one guy...He's just one of those guys that are different. I want to get to know him. I want him to know me. The weirdest part is, I don't know why, but I think I will get to know him. I think that there was a reason I said yes to hanging out with a bunch of people I don't know, on a night that I was exhausted and didn't really want to do anything. I think that there was a reason I moved, opened the door, got in the car, and went to the ihop. I think it's because I'm supposed to know this boy...

(no subject)
lamp_light1

There is something pushing against the walls of my being. I do not know quite what it might be. I believe that it is the need to do something spectacular. So often I limit myself, wondering, "will this be adequate? oh well best not to try in case it shall fail." But this thinking has not brought me any joy. Instead I should embrace my passions and step forth unafraid of failure and disapointment. I will try and that should be a reward all in itself.



(no subject)
lamp_light1

I'm spending the night at my friends house tonight and I really miss my new mattress. I got it yesterday and only spent one night with it. It was so comfortable and perfect! All I want is to curl up in my bed and sleep there and never leave it. This might sound very random and strange...but I really love my bed. I read and write and listen to music on my bed. I watch movies on my bed, talk on the phone on my bed, eat on my bed (sometimes), I do homework on my bed. I love it. Maybe that is a weird thing to love, but a bed can be a very important thing to someone, especially me. I love you bed, you rock!



Last night
lamp_light1

Last night was one of those nights that really throw me off. Ive been doing really good about not missing him so much. And then he texted me, saying that I was the only one he could talk to about this. Being best friends with you very recent x boyfriend is obnoxiously painful. He blames me of course, because I broke up with him. He said I was selfish for only thinking of myself. But sometimes you have to do what's right for you in order for things to turn out right for everyone. It's just hard missing him.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Surrender
lamp_light1
The feeling wells up within me. My breathing comes quick and this excitement is stronger than a hurricane. It's like the world has burst open and all things that were good have become even better. It's like all things that were bad have been banished to some far off place. I can't help dancing. My smile is permanent. This excitement is empowering and I have never felt so alive. What has caused this great joy? Why can I not keep my feet on the ground. I am flying so high its almost frightening, but I don't have time to think about that. The stars are so bright they are blinding. I feel their warmth. It's growing. It's not just the stars that shine bright, it is me. The light is bursting forth from within me and I cannot contain it. I do not want to. I want to spread it out among the world and share this! I wish you could feel what I feel, this great life. It's magicl, it's powerful, it's unstoppable. I am alive, greater than alive. I am eternal. I am infinite. I am unbreakable. Nothing can touch me I am so high above the ground. Not even the birds can come near. I have broken free and nothing anyone can ever do or say will ever ever ever stop me!

Writer's Block: Spellbound
lamp_light1
If you could get your hands on a talent duplicator machine, whose talents would you want, and why?

Sylvia Plath's writing ability.

Question
lamp_light1
Do you ever have one of those moments where you sit back and think, "who am I?" It's like you've lived your whole life without knowing exactly who you are. Or maybe it's more like you don't know who you want to be. I find that I am constantly re-discovering myself. Maybe I am just changing so rapidly that I cannot keep up with myself and every free moment I'm not changing, I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be. Do you ever think about your life like that? Do you ever wonder how you got from being that person you used to be to who you are turning into now? If I look back at who I was six months ago I can tell you I am so much different. But at the same time I'm still me. Does that make any sense? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm just a little bit crazy or maybe I'm just one step ahead of myself. There's so much more I have to learn about life and how I fit into it. I keep thinking, "I'm supposed to be someone. I'm supposed to do something great". But how do I become that person? How do I do something great? Will it just happen or is this something I have to work at? Maybe, just maybe, it's a mixture of both. God gave me my personality but maybe it's my job to use that personality, to use my passions to do something spectacular. I don't want to just live like everyone else lives. I look around and no one really knows what exactly it is that they are doing. What are you doing? Do you even know? Are you just wandering around, following your daily schedule and loving the random moments that stand out? Or are you out there doing something, having a purpose, focusing on a specific goal or dream? What is the vision for you life? I'm asking these questions partially for myself and partially for you. I think that we'll only be able to know ourselves if we ask these question. That is what questions are for anyways; to search and find the answer. I see snippets of my life, of who I am. I have my goals, I have my dreams and my focus. I have the person I want to be in my mind. Now I just have to get there.

Pictures of You
lamp_light1
There are those days when the sun just refuses to shine no matter how hard you beg it to. You can get on your knees and scream in the pouring rain, "SAVE ME!" at the top of your lungs, but the clouds will just crowd in closer together and block out any remaining ray of light. So you just sit there, lifelessly gazing up into the dark heavens wondering if it could possibly storm forever. Surely this terrifying front will move on and bother some other helpless person. Surely someone will walk by and offer you their umbrella. After a while you might find that the freezing rain that smacks hard across your shivering and hopeless body has become a comfort. At least it is there. At least it feels real. This is what your heart looks like; a grey, cold, lonely storm. The wind gets stronger as you grow weaker. It pushes against you angrily, trying to convince you to give up and fall over. It wants to laugh at you as your body strikes the rock hard pavement, possibly breaking the skin of your face with the impact. Water mixing with blood. Once your down it'll try and keep you down. But the truth is this: once the clouds have poured out all that they carry, they will disintegrate, and the sun will once again break free. Just like you will. You'll remember that the wind is not stronger than you and you'll get up. You'll wipe the blood off your face. You'll take a deep breath. You'll be ok.

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